What Have I Done??

I can’t believe what I’ve done!! The constant phone calls about my debt finally got to me and, before I knew what I was doing, I was at Manchester Airport with my shiny new red and gold credit card. I booked on the first available flight, I didn’t care where it was going.

It was quite a long trip but I didn’t spend the journey thinking about what would happen when the plane landed. Instead, I watched the films, listened to music, read the in-flight magazine - I got really interested in an article on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder where people have to keep doing the same things over and over, like counting. I think the woman next to me wanted to talk but I blanked her because I didn’t know what I would say if she asked where I was going. Or why.

After the plane landed, I found the bus station and caught the first long-distance bus. I don’t know anything about the place where it’s headed. We’ve already been traveling for some time now. We’ve driven through small villages where cats looked up curiously from their perches on warm windowsills then, remembering that curiosity killed the cat, they hid their fear in sleep. Passed through cities where ravens strutted along office block rooftops and sirens screamed in the background. Up through the hills and down into the town of Altvistle where we stopped for lunch, omelettes, at the Loaf and Wheel. Then we forded the great river, Rothwyll and drove for many more miles before drawing up in a run-down bus station.

The driver told us the bus needed some maintenance which would take about two hours. I headed straight for the internet café I’d spotted on the way in. First thing I did was to send Jez this email:

Hi Jez

I’ve done a runner. Left my little flat in Manchester to start a new life in … who knows where.

What can I say? Except, of course, that I’m sorry. I just couldn’t take it any more. Even my hopes for a possible future with you were drowned by the constant pressure of being in so much debt. So, I’ve flown away. Remember, I told you about how I felt when I went for the helicopter ride over London. How I wanted to take off. Well, now I’ve done it.

Maybe my leaving won’t be too difficult for you. After all, you have your boat and you’ve started a new life too. In some ways, I wish that you could sail over here and see me, but that’s not possible is it? Narrow boats don’t travel over the sea.

Still, if you ever wanted to come and see me, when I’ve settled, maybe we can arrange it. I think, now, I might be able to afford a plane ticket for you if you want one. Just let me know.

Whatever happens, though, we must keep in touch. When I’ve found a place to stay, I’ll send you my address.

Lots of love

Toni
xxx

This café is called The Webbery and it has a giant spider’s web painted on the ceiling. I’ve just noticed that the threads of the web lead down the walls to each computer. It makes me think again about the links between us that the internet makes and it raises my hopes that I won’t lose touch with Jez. Or Brim. They’re such special people.

Now, I’m going to go for a walk around this town, whatever it’s called. Maybe I’ll buy myself some supplies, like toiletries and a spare pair of knickers. God knows what the place where I end up will be like. I hope there’s more shops than there seems to be in this dump of a town.

In a Quandary

Jez, Jez,
I must confezz,
My life’s a mezz.

I had such a good weekend with Jez. I went down to stay on the narrow boat he’s thinking of buying. I wouldn’t say it’s the nicest boat I’ve ever seen, there’s a strange smell (dog?) and it’s damp. But it’s got great character and is obviously built to last. The name, “Lone Star” is painted on the side in red and gold in traditional style. On the doors is a painting of Che Guevara and, inside, there’s a little woodstove. When it got cool in the evening, Jez set it burning. It was a bit smokey but we opened the Che Guevara doors and it soon cleared. Generally, the boat has a really hippy feel to it. I kept saying things like “cool,” and “Right on, man.” It’s very Jez.

He’s such a great guy, although his friend Tim’s a bit of a pain. I laughed so much, especially when we were feeding the ducks on Saturday afternoon. We had some serious conversations as well, when we went for a walk on Sunday morning. I think he’s as dissatisfied with his life as I am with mine. I can imagine us having a real future together.

But then I came back here and I’ve spent all day answering calls from people chasing me for money. All day. I still haven’t rung for that loan and I don’t think I ever will. I can’t face the thought of tying myself to paying that amount of money every month. But if I don’t do that, then how am I going to pay back my debts? I’ll end up in court, I know I will.

How can I have a future with Jez? How can I expect him to make any sort of commitment to someone like me with my problems? I know there are a lot of people with worse problems. There’s that guy under house arrest, the one who killed cats. I was reading about another guy the other day. Ezra Kire his name is. He’s a musician who is homeless in New York. That must be terrible. I don’t think I’d like to live on the streets there. Or anywhere really. And my hair dresser was telling me about someone whose daughter, Aliss, is missing. I can’t think of anything worse than that.

So I’m not saying that I’ve got the worst problems in the world. And I’m not saying that, maybe, me and Jez couldn’t work it out. But I am saying that my pride probably wouldn’t let me get seriously involved with someone when I have so much debt.

What on earth am I going to do?

Boring, Boring, Boring

Another boring day in a boring flat in a boring place with nothing, nothing, nothing to do except to go to a boring job at 2 o’clock. Still I’ve got the day off on Saturday. I’ve sent Jez a text asking if he wants me to go down to see the boat. I hope he does. I’m so sick and tired of the same old life, day in, day out. No more poker, no more highs and lows as I win and lose. No more nothing. I’ve even sunk to watching morning television, that programme with Philip Schofield and the fat woman, Fern I think she’s called.

They were talking to Shayne Ward who won X Factor the other day. Did you know he’s a twin? And from round here. They said that Will Young’s a twin too. It got me thinking. Perhaps I should do something like that if being a twin helps somehow. Obviously, I couldn’t do X Factor, I can’t sing for toffee. But maybe another sort of show. Make life more interesting. There’s always Deal or No Deal. That might solve my debt problems. It looks like fun too, staying in a hotel for several weeks, making friends and going on the show till it was my turn. I could win £250,000. That’d be good although there’ve been a few low wins recently. If I only won 1p, I’d have to go into hiding. Would be too embarrassed to show my face. But I think I’ll find out how to get an application form. It’s worth the risk.

I wouldn’t mind Big Brother either. I know they have to rough it sometimes, hardly any food and all that. I could spend my summer sunbathing and playing games though. It has to be better than this. I wonder if they’ve done the auditions for this year?

Have to be careful with reality TV. There was that one where they convinced people they were going to be astronauts. You’d feel so stupid wouldn’t you? And then there’s the one in America where they set you up on a date but then a gorilla, or at least a man in a gorilla suit, comes in and wrecks it all. It’s bound to come over here. I couldn’t cope with a gorilla messing things up, even if it wasn’t real.

Maybe I’m better just waiting to see how it works out with Jez. He might be just the touch of excitement I need to improve my life.

Rainy Tuesday

It’s raining really hard. I’m on a late, start work at 2 this afternoon. I was planning to go out this morning but having looked at the weather I’ve changed my mind.

I called Jez on Sunday. We talked for about an hour. He’s really nice to talk to. One of those people you can feel relaxed with, where you don’t have to watch what you say all the time. He’d been to see the narrow boat he’s interested in and he’s going to try and raise the money to buy it. I said “Don’t look at me for a loan,” and he laughed and said he knows about my debts and he wouldn’t even try. That’s what happens when people you know read your blog. He’s asked me to go down there on Saturday to have a look. I said I’d try but I’m supposed to be working. I’ll ask today if I can take Saturday off. Haven’t been able to ask before, the woman who sorts the rota has been off for Easter. Now, why doesn’t that surprise me?

I think I’ll go and watch some episodes of Scrubs now. I wish the people in the hospital where I work were more like them, laughing and joking and occasionally bursting into song (and looking like Turk). But like the rest of my life, it’s just a boring place. Maybe now Jez’s back, things will get better.

Jez

Did you see that Jez left me two messages on my last posting? See, I said the internet linked everyone together! He wants me to ring him. And I will but not today. Probably tomorrow (Sunday) in my break. I’m not ringing him today, even though it’s my day off, because he won’t be there. He’s going to look at a narrow boat with his friend Tim. Thinking about living in one. Sounds like a good idea to me. He needs to get away from his mother. So I’ll have to wait until Sunday to talk to him.


A strange thing happened yesterday. I was reading an article in The Guardian. I don’t usually look at the Guardian, it’s a bit intellectual for me but I’d gone to see our Kevin to tell him about my blog before he finds out for himself. I wanted to tell him to keep his mouth shut. Anyway, this article was about a couple getting in touch with each other again through a blog. The man, Graham, said he was in debt. It sounded a lot like me and Jez, except the opposite way around. Thing is, though, it was all a con and Graham wasn’t really Graham at all. I worried for a bit, thinking what if it’s not Jez? But then I remembered I have his phone number. His real phone number from when I knew him before. And I talked to his mother. And I’m not after his money which is probably a good thing because he hasn’t any as far as I remember. Athough narrow boats can be pretty expensive ….

Talking about debts and stuff, Ann’s been on at me to ring those loan people. I’ve been meaning to do it but I’ve been a bit busy, writing my blog and thinking about Jez and all that. But I will do it. Probably on my next day off which is Wednesday.

Oh, and I forgot to tell you. Some idiot company’s sent me a credit card. A few weeks ago I filled in an application form that fell out of a magazine. I didn’t think they’d send me one. But they did. Do these people not do credit checks? They’ve given me a credit limit of 10 grand. Stupid fools. It’s sitting there, on my coffee table, all red and gold and shiny. I’d cut it up but I can’t bring myself to do it. Think I’ll hide it somewhere then forget where I’ve put it.

BTW Brim, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry if I sounded a bit stroppy about you putting my blog address in your blog. I’m really really pleased you did because it means I can get in touch with Jez. It was just that it was a shock when I saw what you’d done.

Mum's Birthday

We went to a Chinese restaurant last night to celebrate Mum’s 60th birthday. Had a great night. Ate a lot, drank a lot, laughed a lot. Sometimes it’s good to be with family. As long as it doesn’t go on too long.

I clubbed together with Ann to buy Mum a classy DAB radio. She loved it. Insisted on testing it out in the restaurant. Got a few glares I can tell you.

She listens to the radio a lot. Moves from one station to another according to her mood. Classic FM, Radio 2, Smooth, Saga, even Radio 1 sometimes. And when they have ring-in competitions, she’s in her element. She’s had her voice on more radio stations than I’ve had hot dinners. God knows what her phone bills are like.

My brother, Kevin, bought her a religious doll! It’s called Tug Christ and is made of metal with nails in it. And covered in blood! He bought it on the net from a company called The Softest Person. I thought it was pretty tasteless myself but Mum was thrilled. Doesn’t take much to please Mum. “Here’s a used lollipop stick, Mum.” “Oh thank you dear, that’s lovely.” “I found a bit of fluff under the bed and thought you’d like it.” “Oh, smashing, I’ll add it to my collection.” It’s sad really but she’s happy in her own little world.

Which is more than I was when I got home. Remember when I went to London? Well, I told that artist, Helium, that I had a blog. Told him in confidence because I don’t want Ann or any of the people at work reading it. I can’t go on about things if I think someone I know will read it. That’s why I’m using a false name. You know, when you say you’re a nurse, working in A & E, around Manchester and you have a twin, people are going to start working things out aren’t they?

Anyway, it seems that Jez has been looking for a nurse from Manchester!! Which is me! And Brim found out, asked Helium and Helium told him my blog address. Brim only goes and puts it in his blog doesn’t he? So Jez can read it.

I was really angry at first. That’s an invasion of privacy. Then I calmed down and I was pleased because it probably means me and Jez can get in touch. I don’t think the people I mix with are into the net so they won’t find me. Especially as the name at the top says Mandy but I’m really called Toni. So I think I’m safe. There’s only Kevin who likes computers and I can easily bribe him to keep his mouth shut. Been doing it for years.

So Jez, if you read this, get in touch. Maybe we can make it work this time.

A crap day!

What a crap day. First I was late for work, stuck in a traffic jam. When I got to the hospital it turned out the cause of the jam was a big traffic accident. 1 person killed, 6 seriously injured. We all pretend these things don’t affect us, but of course they do. Not only that, A & E was full of other patients complaining that they had to wait and we had to spend all day running to catch up.

After work I called in at Tesco’s to buy some food because I had no food in. I stocked the trolley up but completely forgot I don’t have credit cards anymore. I told the woman on the till I’d run out to the cash machine. She wasn’t pleased. Neither was the queue behind me. When I got to the machine it would only let me have a tenner so I’d to go back to the woman and tell her to clear it all. If looks could kill! An assistant took the trolley off me to empty it to make sure I didn’t do a runner without paying. Then I went round again and bought cheap stuff. Beans, eggs, loaf of own brand bread. Damn Ann and her big pair of scissors.

Back home I thought I’d try ringing Jez to cheer me up. He was out but his mother was in. That woman certainly can talk. She went on and on and on about nothing in particular. Not only that, I forgot to leave my number and I’m definitely not going to risk calling again. Couldn’t face going through that again.
.

The Internet Part II

I was going on the other day about how wonderful the Internet is. About how the whole world’s joined together with a silver thread. And I’m not saying I’ve changed my mind. But there’s another side to it.

Have you ever seen that tv ad? I think it’s AOL. At the beginning of the break they talk about how wonderful the net is. How kids can learn so much and it can help them with their homework and all that. But then, later in the break there’s another ad talking about the risks, about how some people use the net for their own devious purposes. It’s that sort of two sidedness that I’ve been thinking about.

I’ve had so much pleasure from being on line but there are things there that don’t necessarily bring out the best side of people. In my case it’s the gambling. It’s so easy. I started at a time when I was lonely. It wasn’t long after I’d split up with Richard. I’d got used to being a couple and was finding it hard to adapt to being single again. I found a poker site one night and I went in to have a look. I had fun. Real fun. There was a buzz in playing and it stopped me feeling lonely. I won quite a bit of money.

For a couple of months I went on the site regularly. It filled the evenings and made me feel happy again. Maybe it was coincidence, I don’t know, but my social life improved around that time. I made some new friends and started going out again. I didn’t need to play poker to fill my evenings.

Then I met this guy at a party. Jez his name. He was a right laugh and I thought we’d make a great couple. When he said he’d call me I believed him and, like a fool, I sat in waiting for the phone to ring. But it didn’t. By the time I realised he wasn’t going to call I was back playing poker on a regular basis.

Gradually it stopped being fun. Where there’d been a buzz, there was now a leaden feeling, one that stopped me getting up and walking away. Plus I was losing which meant I had to carry on playing to cut my losses.

Not any more. Last night I unsubscribed from all the sites where I’ve been playing and I changed my email address so that they can’t send me emails inviting me back. I’m determined not to get involved again.

I’m going to have to find another interest. Look up old friends. Start going out again. I still have Jez’s number. I wonder if I should call him. Before I was being all girly. You know how it is. Saying I wouldn’t call him because he’d said he’d call me and had let me down. But maybe I should take that risk. He could have lost my number and be wishing I’d contact him. It might be worth a try.

Ann descends

Last night Ann descended on me like a cloud of black bats. I opened the front door and there she was, looking at me with the most serious face I’ve ever seen. As she stepped into the hallway she said, “Go and make the coffee,” and waved a carrier bag in the air adding, “I’ve got the biscuits.”

I could hear the carrier bag rustling as I made the coffee. I took the cups through to the lounge. On the coffee table there was the packet of biscuits (double chocolate chip cookies), a calculator, a pile of leaflets and the biggest pair of scissors I’ve ever seen.

“OK,” she said, “before you settle down, go and find those credit card bills.” I hesitated. She pointed to the door. “Go on. I’m not asking, I’m telling you. We have to sort this out.” I went into the bedroom, climbed on the bed and lifted the suitcase down from the top of the wardrobe. It took me a while to find the key; I remembered putting it in a safe place but not exactly which safe place. Eventually I remembered it was in an old handbag in the bottom of the wardrobe, along with a lot of other things I need to be secure but easy to find. As I closed the wardrobe door I realised she was in the room with me. “Just making sure you don’t run away.”

Back in the living room, we opened the envelopes between us and sorted out the most recent ones. Ann handed me the calculator and started reading them out. “Barclaycard, six thousand, Mastercard, three thousand five hundred …”

It came to just over 25 thousand altogether. I didn’t think it was so much. We were both quiet for a while then Ann reached over and picked up a biscuit. “Right. Now we know what we’re dealing with. It’s a lot of money and it’s going to take time but you have to pay it back. So, I think the solution is a loan. Consolidate. That’s the word they use.” She brushed the crumbs off her chest and picked up a leaflet. “I’ve looked through these and this seems to be the best. In the Pink Loans.” She pointed. “Here’s the number. Get ‘em rung.”

Like the wimp that I am, I rang. I talked to the woman who, I have to say, talked a lot of sense. She worked it all out. I could borrow twenty five thousand and pay them back over ten years. That was the shortest period where I could afford the repayments but doing it that way would cost me twenty two thousand in interest, on top of the twenty five thou. Forty seven thousand pounds. Can you believe it? I said I’d call her back.

“I need to think about it Ann. It’s a lot of money. Don’t push me any more, I’ll sort it out next week. I promise.”

She looked at me. I think she saw my determination not to agree anything that night. “Alright then.” She wagged her finger. “But you better had, that’s all I’ll say. You better had.”

I picked up a biscuit and took a bite. I thought it was over. I’d forgotten about the scissors though. She picked them up and waved them. “Give me your cards.” I shook my head. She pointed the scissors straight at me. “Get them.” I opened my bag, took out my purse and extracted my cards. I watched as Ann cut them into tiny pieces. “No more online poker for you young lady.”

After she’d gone, I came to the computer and turned it on to write my blog. Wanted to get it off my chest. But I didn’t do that. What Ann didn’t know, and I didn’t tell her, is that I don’t need my credit cards to play. They have my details already. I went into the Aces High site and played all night. Lost five hundred pounds.

This morning I was too tired to go into work. I gave them a call and went back to bed. Stayed there all day.

I can’t go on like this. I really can’t.